Alpha Waves - April 08
Real life issues in the workplace: Bereavement & loss
Death is nothing to us, since when we are, death has not come, and when death has come, we are not. Epicurus (Greek philosopher, BC 341-270)
Most of us live our lives in the present, or close to it:if not savouring and valuing every moment, then certainly not living in fear of our imminent demise. Death is something that will come to us in its own sweet time, and meanwhile, que sera... and so it probably should be.Living in constant awareness of their mortality will be a motivational force for the few, a driver to achieving success and fulfilling ambitions very much sooner than they might otherwise have done;whereas for many of us, living in this way would likely leave us feeling helpless, paralysed.For the remainder, the result might be utter hopelessness, possibly ending in prophesy-fulfilling suicidal depression.
And so we keep the prospect of death, or terminal illness, at a safe and convenient distance.But what if it comes to meet us unexpectedly? How do we cope?And how do our employers and fellow workers support us in the shock and confusion of our grief?What more could they do?
These days in 21stcentury Britain we have very little understanding or appreciation of the nature of loss, and the importance of the grieving process.We are more likely to cross to the other side of the street than acknowledge and extend sympathy towards someone who has lost a loved one – or take another route through the office than risk bumping into someone who has been diagnosed as terminally ill. It is easier for us to avoid eye contact with a person who is hurting, than risk their tears and expressions of pain. And yet a bereaved (or dying) person is likely to cite their sense of isolation as one of the most painful, and unexpected, consequences of their loss:at the very time when they are feeling painfully alone, and would be so grateful for even a small sign of human contact – a touch of the arm, a smile, a word of comfort, a listening ear – their neighbours, friends, colleagues ‘respectfully’ choose to leave them alone with their grief, thus reinforcing their sense of strangeness and isolation.
It is not surprising that we often struggle to cope whether we are the person bereaved, or the family member, friend or colleague of someone who has lost a loved one.In western society higher life expectancy has excluded recent generations from the familiarity of death; child mortality, too, has been dramatically reduced. As a result many people will reach full adulthood without experiencing the death of an immediate family member.Increasingly working adults are in their late 40’s or 50’s, a time of other considerable personal, physiological and psychological changes, before they suffer the loss of one of their parents.
There are a number of organisations that offer support and information to bereaved people, helping them to come to terms with their loss, understand more about the grieving process and take comfort from learning how ‘normal’ their own reactions are (people frequently feel they must be going mad, so ignorant are we these days of the symptoms of grief and the many ways in which people naturally respond to the loss of a loved one).Cruse Bereavement Care, for example, is a national charity dedicated to supporting people who have been bereaved. They report that while the healing process will vary for every individual, those who take the opportunity to talk through their concerns and feelings with a trained counsellor will typically find a way through their distress, and return to living a fully-functioning (albeit altered) life, sooner than those who prefer to suppress their feelings in the hope that their pain will ‘just go away’.
Depending on the severity of the loss, this ‘head in sand’ approach will work for many people in the short to medium term. However, evidence shows that if that person then experiences another serious loss – another bereavement, a job loss, a mid-life crisis (a so-called ‘loss of dreams’) – the unresolved grief is likely to re-surface, and perhaps do so more severely.Hence the apparently exaggerated reaction of some to a loss that others might consider minor (such as the death of a pet) or unconnected and remote (as in the reaction of many to the death of Princess Diana). Embedded in these people’s responses are likely to be multiple instances of suppressed, unresolved grief, or perhaps the pain of a single, particularly painful loss that they have not yet properly worked through.
How can we help in the workplace? We all respond differently and cannot predict our own reactions, let alone others’, hence our common response of avoidance.Rather than try to memorise a long list of do’s and don’ts, a simple formula of ‘Recognise and Normalise’ should guide our response.We should show that we recognise the person’s grief and understand the grieving process; that we are there to support, are ready to listen, and willing to help. We should try to work with the person as we normally would, making some adjustments if requested, all the while being mindful that there might be a dip in their performance, or a more acute response to upsets, challenges or even the simplest of well-intentioned comment. Finally, HR departments should ensure that appropriate guidance and support is in place for team managers, and for the bereaved individuals themselves, for example, through briefings to managers on what to expect and what to say and do, adjustments to responsibilities, referrals for counselling or to relevant charities and support groups.And as always the message should be: Treat people well and the return will be worth the effort.
Vivienne Carnt and Philip Wharton
